I am finally beginning to feel normal..... I think?
Have you ever walked the same path over and over not noticing the beauty right in front of you? I had no idea that these little daisies would be the outcome of a field full of weeds..... so I guess that’s what’s happening in this new sober journey of mine - walking the same path, but now sober, discovering all the beautiful blooms that were hidden in “my weeds”.
Yesterday morning was a little different for me...... As I no longer have a bunch of time to myself due to being back at work on site, I have to prioritize the first couple of hours in my day.
Yesterday I knew I wanted to start my dinner prep as my salmon had to go into its delicious marinade. Then I had to make my lunch and check in with my friends for an update on a dear friend who has mere weeks on this earth.
I then checked my email and went to Belle's 'day whatever’ I am on in her blog (www.tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com) . I skimmed through my sober instagram for some inspiration. But then that was it for sober stuff.
After that I went to a workout website I subscribe to and pay for but haven't been on for a long, long, long time. I have the desire now to really dive into my fitness. So I thought I would plan for tomorrow - day 50 to be the start of a 100 day daily workout plan.
My M.O. for most of the last 49 days is to deep dive into sober blogs, and several times last week I was on a 7am zoom meeting. Every few days I write on my blog post and then surf through a bunch of other blogs.
Yesterday was different. Yesterday I just wanted to be 'normal' and not feel like I was obsessing about my sobriety. Hey - I also walked the dog and as always, I plug in my sober audio - right now I am re-reading Alan Carr's book - kick the drink. I have it on kindle, all annotated and shit, and now I'm listening to it. Just love it.
Am I asking permission to let go a little? Is this too soon? Am I too complacent? Is this the beginning of the end? A bit dramatic maybe? Did I mention I'm a performer? Well the thing is, yesterday I felt comfortable in my skin. I filled myself up with what I needed in those moments. Yesterday it was to connect with my friend, and to prepare a meal I know we will all enjoy as I am sober. I had a shower shaved my legs, put on a cute dress, put on more makeup than normal, did my hair nice, and looked at myself in the mirror and thought "Damn, you look great!". It's the strangest feeling to look in the mirror and not feel conflicted, hate the yellow in my eyes, try to cover up the puffiness, wonder if I smell bad...........
Anyway, I don't feel weaker by not doing the meeting, the extra writing. I just feel like I have all that in a cute little bag I carry with me that I can unzip and dig into another day if need be - because I know at least that much about myself, that my head can change on a dime.
I know that all I have is today - It was a perfect, sober day. I am going to acknowledge what it is about yesterday that was so perfect and write it down so I remember on those days that aren't so perfect.
Today is Day 50. I am a little tired, it’s starting to be darker when I wake up in the morning. It already makes me a little sad that fall is in the air and soon it will be dark until I go to work. I realize now this is why I am glad I am getting my sober legs under me in the summer – presumably the hardest time to quit drinking. I will be ready for those dark, cold wintery mornings when I don’t feel quite so bright. I won’t have one more added stressor added to an already dreary morning – a hangover.
Halfway to my #100daychallenge – I didn’t think I wouldn’t get here this time, but also, I couldn’t imagine being here. They are RIGHT! Those little niggly thoughts that say ‘drink now’ aren’t near as strong as they used to be. I have developed some new, welcome habits and I am not feeling deprived of anything. I need to harness all of these feelings, re-read my own words so I am fortified for the day when I just don’t feel as strong.
I hope you all have some ‘backup’ tools on standby for those days when you need an extra dose of ‘remember why you are doing this’!
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